Grimy Handshake

Down Time

- Mike Ferrentino

Boss: How do you reach back there... to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh... there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paperback and forth.

Boss: So... there’s a company that manufactures Centaur ass wipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um... there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such... there’s one on 57th Street.

There are a lot of ways to earn a summer off the bike. As I type this, our editor Nicole is about to give birth. As you read this, she will be a month or so into maternity leave. There goes her summer. For others, the break can be more literal; a fraction of a second transforming what had been a good ride into a season-ending yard-sale. Crashes are not the sort of thing we can predict—if we could predict them, we could avoid them. In that vein, the severity of any given crash can’t be foretold. We can walk away from the most horrific high-speed carnage without a scratch, and we can tip over at walking speed and break a femur.