Duncan Bell is into Apple

This month has been both a triumph and a disaster for The World’s Biggest Brand.

Are you one of those people who, upon reading any article about Apple that doesn’t slag them off mightily, rushes to social media to ask, “How much did Apple pay you for this?!”

Well, you’ll be pleased to know that I can tell you exactly how much. In my case: nothing. Isn’t it unfair?

Every time I pen a feature called something like, “New iPhone looks like it’ll be the best phone you can get, until the next good one comes out,” I send off my invoice to Apple (£5,000 and a gold Apple Watch, payable within 28 days). Every single time, without fail, they ignore it. AND they don’t return my calls when I ring to complain.

Then, when I turn up at their offices holding a big placard saying, “Apple, pay me what you owe me for writing sycophantic things about you,” while shouting abuse through a megaphone at anyone coming out of their building, they call the police!

This is why people hate Apple. It’s their sheer money-grabbing unfairness, and their high-handed, control-freak attitude to being shouted at through a megaphone, on the street, by me.

Get to the point, please