How Hot Is Your Vagina?

The intimate skincare industry is coming for you… and your vulva. But are you ready to take a seven-step skincare routine downstairs? JOANNA TAYLOR tried it out (so you don’t have to)

- Joanna Taylor

I never thought I’d find myself knickers off, spread-eagled, in the office of a man who isn’t my doctor. “How did I get here?” I wonder, as Dr. Niekerk puts down his measuring tape, pulls out a felt-tip pen and carefully draws a dotted line across my inner labia.

When he does finally raise his head from between my legs, pen poised, he says only one thing: “You’re not abnormal… But there is work you could have done.”

In case you missed the memo, there’s a vulva beauty movement going on right now. Forget douches and Femfresh, the beauty world is now flogging us products that promise to moisturize, whiten, tighten, plump and even highlight (yes, just like your cheekbones) our genital area. It appears the neverending quest for “perfection” has finally reached our most private of parts, but… are we and our vulvas ready for it?

I wonder this as I find myself, (yet again – there’s a theme in this story) horizontal, legs agape on a treatment table with a smiling therapist leaning over me. I am having something called the Bikini Facial at Bea Skin Clinic, which sounds benign enough. The therapist gets to work with scrub on my inner thighs. “It’s basically a preholiday refresh for your bikini line,” she explains, narrowing her eyes to make sure she eliminates every single remaining ingrown hair. “It’ll get rid of any dead skin and all the in grown.” Forty-five minutes later and I’m done. I may have the glowiest bikini line in all of London… not that anyone would know.

TREATMENT TIME