Are You In An ‘Almost-Relationship'?

This morning, while scrolling through Facebook, I was reminded that it’s been nearly three years since I first met James* in a bar and we kissed like teenagers over vodka sodas. “It’s our anniversary coming up,” I SMS him, laughing to myself. We’ve had three whole years of restaurant dates and movie nights on the sofa, and one memorable weekend riding rollercoasters all day. Plot twist: he’s not my boyfriend.

- Lucy Vine

The new normal

We’re not a couple, and – I realise, staring at the unanswered message and feeling less like laughing – we’ve never even come close to being one. For years we’ve been following the same pattern of meeting up for fun dates, having mindblowing sex, WhatsApping – and then it will go quiet. A week will pass, maybe three months, but we always come back to each other. It never develops into anything more, and it never ends.

What I have with James* is an AR: an almost-relationship. And it’s not some passing dating fad for the so-called ‘noncommittal millennial’ – it’s the new normal. I know 12 women who are in one. According to a recent survey, a third of adults between 1940 now describe themselves as “not in a relationship”, which makes me wonder how many of those are also “not exactly single, either”?

Spoilt for choice

Specific relationship labels and “Would you be my girlfriend?” conversations are becoming as much a thing of the past as NSYNC themselves. “People are putting their relationship eggs in multiple baskets,” says psychologist Sam Owen, author of Resilient Me (Orion; R312). “Modern dating not only teaches us that we have a ‘scroll’ of options, but that everyone is disposable, too.” Thanks to apps such as Tinder, it’s rare for a person to engage in a proper relationship from the getgo – we’re swiping over each other’s shoulders to see if there’s anything better out there, but at the same time, no one breaks up with anyone. We’re unwilling to let this one go – you know, just in case.