New Romantics

How do men really feel about dating apps? Or keeping the spark alive while raising kids? And what helps heal a broken heart? Three writers open up

- Josh Glancy , Ben Machell & Jolyon Rubinstein

DIGITAL DATING DILEMMAS

By Josh Glancy

I was on holiday in Mexico recently with a beautiful, and perennially single, female friend; let’s call her Lauren. We drank Coronas, ate emulsified ants, and visited Mescal distilleries nestled in the hills above Oaxaca. It was a joyous week.

One thing bothered me, though. At every stop, Lauren insisted on having her photo taken – by a cactus, with a donkey, making tortillas. The purpose was not to service her Instagram, but a quest for the perfect Bumble profile pic. This quixotic obsession got me worrying about the effects of app dating and how it’s warping our romantic priorities. Lauren is one side of the coin, anxious and questing, but myself and many men are on the other. I’ve become convinced that dating apps are making many men miserable.

It seems counter-intuitive. What could possibly be wrong with having an endless supply of beautiful women available at the merest swipe of a thumb? Sex-infused dating is now more accessible than ever. We are no longer limited by the confines of our immediate social circle or what bar we happen to be in. I recently attended the wedding of a couple who would never have met without an algorithm to introduce them. Two people from utterly different worlds who now seem ideally matched. It was thrilling to behold. But by solving one problem, apps like Hinge, Bumble, Happn and Tinder have created another. Men are suffering from the complacency of easy access and the tyranny of endless choice.

At a men’s group I sometimes attend in Brooklyn, several guys have complained of how app dating is making them feel worthless. They describe their sex lives as a parade of unsatisfying mini-affairs, their bedposts filled with notches, their hearts empty of love.