Self - Love

There is something within me that emits a signal that I am not okay. It is like a black hole in my consciousness.

- Ajay Kalra

I do not know where it came from – past life, childhood experiences – what I do know is that it exists. Earlier I wasn’t aware of it. All I experienced was a feeling of worthlessness whenever I felt criticized, disapproved or judged, particularly by people I perceived as parental or authority figures. Quite often I interpreted others’ actions towards me as an indication of my defect. This black hole made me overly sensitive to misinterpreting situations in a manner that I felt unwanted and worthless. These emotional signals were painful to bear and I often relied on some unhealthy coping mechanism to numb the pain. This created a dysfunctional pattern. I feel not okay – I see others’ actions as a confirmation of my being not okay – I feel not okay – I act not okay – I feel not okay. Like a vicious dark circle, this pattern of ‘not okay-ness’ kept repeating itself and consumed a significant part of my childhood and adult years.

This pattern does not exist as much as it did earlier. The black hole is not so big and deep anymore. But every now and then I get sucked into its vortex, and then the same feelings of worthlessness and not being wanted envelop me. Even though I am now aware of this entire inner mechanism, I am not free of it. I wonder if I will ever get free of this black hole. Is there something I need to do? Or do I simply surrender to the almighty and seek his grace to experience unconditional self love and acceptance.