Bumped & Dumped

How to cope with unexpected single parenthood

LINDA MARAIS WAS midway through her pregnancy when she and her partner split up – and it was about as ugly as a break-up can get.

“It was clear that he wasn’t interested in being a responsible parent. He insisted on having a paternity test done. Basically, he tried every way possible to deny the child was his,” she recalls.

Linda eventually decided to go at it alone. “My reaction was that if he wasn’t going to love our child and treat her as the special person that she was, then he wasn’t worthy of being in her life.”

Twenty-one years and one well-raised young woman later, Linda wouldn’t change a thing: “I’ve learned about the honor of raising a beautiful daughter. I could never imagine my life without her.” But raising her daughter solo wasn’t without its challenges. The first, and most important, was dealing with the emotional fallout of being “pumped and dumped”.

“Women who find themselves facing pregnancy alone need to allow themselves the time to grieve the loss of the relationship and, more importantly, their hopes of sharing the parenting experience with their partner,” says Jean-Marie Olwage, a counselor specializing in unplanned pregnancies, divorce, and single parenting.

Aside from heightened emotions due to pregnancy hormones, which makes a break-up during pregnancy doubly difficult to cope with is that you have to prepare yourself for a massive life change at the same time.

“Under the best of circumstances becoming a mom requires redefinition of one’s identity and a major adjustment to one’s lifestyle, and a single mom even more so,” Jean-Marie says.

DEALING WITH IT