Control… Freak?

What was so wrong about wanting everything just right?

- Elizabeth Gray 

I TOOK IN THE BUSTLING LOBBY, crossing off items on my color-coded, cross-referenced checklist. Short line at the registration table. Check. Name tags in alphabetical order for easy retrieval. Check. Colleagues in position to answer questions. Check.

My boss walked up to me. “Things are running abnormally smoothly,” she said. “Why aren’t we more stressed?”

“Everything’s going according to plan,” I said. I showed her the checklist.

I’d been planning this biannual, three-day conference for mental health clinicians for months. I’d worked out every detail of the training and expected to execute the event flawlessly.

“Wow. When you’re a boss, it’s always good to have a control freak on your team,” she said. “You never have to worry about anything!”

She laughed and patted me on the back. I laughed too—but wait, was that a compliment? I was organized and responsible. What was freaky about that?

Okay, so maybe I was a little more detail-oriented than others on my team. Disorder, lateness and confusion cause me anxiety. My “leave no detail behind” strategy helps me cope with my unpredictable life. I’m sure it stems from my chaotic childhood. Now my husband is an officer in the military, and we move a lot. I can’t control any of that. Did that make me a control freak? Was this how everyone saw me?

I sat through the day’s first presentation. Everything went off without a hitch. One team member remarked that it felt as if we were forgetting something because nothing was going wrong. My response? “I don’t do last-minute.”