Parties probe turns into farcical cop out

We all wondered how it was taking Sue Gray so long to establish there was a bloody party. Maybe she was making the report like a tapestry, and was having trouble embroidering a birthday cake.

- MARK STEEL

Perhaps it will be released as an opera, so it will cost £60 for a ticket to see it. Then we’ll see a chorus of tenors singing “why do you leave us, do not forsake us?”

Then the sopranos will reply “We go to Waitrose, to fetch more wine,” in red chiffon dresses.

Then a booming bass roars cheekily “It’s a workplace meeting”, all in Italian.

It’s possible the report has become more complicated because it turns out Prince Andrew was at one of the parties.

Or maybe she can’t finish it because there was a 20-piece swing band playing in the No10 bathroom throughout lockdown, and 300 people re-enacting the Battle of El Alamein in the kitchen, so she has to interview all of them.