'Oh God... Am I the Toxic One?'

In setting boundaries, embracing the word 'No' and quiet quitting might help us all feel more in control. But when does self-care become...selfish?

- Kushie Amin

Just last month, I came a hair’s breadth from bailing on my friend Sara’s hen party at the eleventh hour. I had initially been thrilled to be invited but as the date approached, my anxiety loomed. The thought of the long train journey, the awkward small talk with people I did not know, the cost—it all made me feel uneasy. What if I couldn’t make good conversation? What if no one liked me? And what if I had to watch her play Mr and Mrs while feigning interest in what her fiancé’s ‘most annoying habit’ might be? It was so far from my comfort zone. Cancelling would surely be a win for self-care, with me taking control of my life and putting boundaries in place...right?

As I typed, deleted and then re-typed my message to Sara, I confided in another friend about my dilemma. She said that to let Sara down on such an important event so last minute would be rude. (Note to self: cancel earlier next time!) That by not going I would be giving in to my own selfish needs. Her response was a blunt wake-up call. I went to the hen. And when I arrived, Sara was thrilled to see me. In fact, the whole weekend was great—I needn’t have worried. She later revealed her own anxieties that no-one would turn up to the event she’d spent so long planning. I was so glad I had not let her down.