How to fight fair

Dealing with conflict in a relationship is familiar territory for most of us but, as Patricia Flokis finds out, there are more successful ways to calm the storm.

Do you often feel like you're having the same fights with your partner time and time again, and failing to resolve them? It's not uncommon if you do, because no matter how compatible or 'in love' you are, conflict is to be expected in a long-term relationship. But why is it that some couples can argue over major issues and come out the other end unscathed, while petty arguments can drive other couples one step closer to a big break-up?

"People think conflict is a bad sign in a relationship, and it's not," says psychologist John Aiken, author of Making Couples Happy. "It is how you argue that's important, not how often you do it. Healthy conflict means you talk to each other with respect, you hear each other's point of view and then decide how to do things differently so you can move forward."

 John points out that couples who never argue may not necessarily be happier. "A relationship with no conflict generally means couples aren't expressing their needs and frustrations, and are suffering in silence," he says. "If feelings aren't discussed, how does a relationship grow?"

Counselling psychologist Rosalie Pattenden agrees that it's not whether you fight a little or a lot that really matters, but whether your fighting styles are compatible - and this often comes down to your own upbringing. "For instance, if your parents had massive fights, you might either avoid conflict or else think it's okay to fight like that and get it all out in the open, then it's over," she says. "Whereas your partner may have learned in their family that you don't argue; you just put up with things. Someone who believes arguing means the relationship is in trouble will struggle with a partner who wants to have it out."