So Long Jz, Hello Cyril!

Will he stay or will he go? And if he does go, what next? This is what people have been wondering for weeks as uncertainty hangs over President Jacob Zuma’s future. In this satirical piece Comrade Evita Bezuidenhout, a proud member of the ANC, weighs in on JZ, Cyril Ramaphosa and the road ahead

AS A member of the ANC I may not comment on policy or person because we as a collective react as a collective, meaning we say nothing until we can find a reason to blame apartheid. As one of the few whites in Luthuli House – they say my white monopoly glows in the dark! – I have obviously met President Zuma during my last 18 months as a cadre. He pops into my kitchen usually just when the koeksisters are ready. Mshowerlozi has a sweet tooth . . .

Jacob Zuma has always treated me with great respect. Well, I’ve never been trapped in a lift alone with him, so I don’t know what would happen there, but he still allows me to call him by his Zulu name, “Innocent”.

Is he? Of course not. Politics demands exceptional intrigue in order to survive. The catch phrase today is “state capture”. Like “collateral damage” it disguises quite charmingly a ghastly truth. Collateral damage means dead people; state capture means a paralysed land with elected vampires feeding off the blood of each citizen.

Was Zuma the Dracula of the gang? Maybe in the dark with moonlight over the firepool in Nkandla. But to me he’s always been charming and very quick to laugh. Corruption couldn’t melt in his mouth.