I Want Us To Sleep With Other People

He wants to sleep with her. She wants to sleep with other people. After 10 years and three kids together, what happens when your wife wants an open relationship and you really don’t?

- Jack

As I stood at the open back door with my wife, Lucy*, glasses of wine in our hands, kids in bed, gazing out over the garden, I thought that my plan to have a romantic evening was going quite well. We’d been through some hard times recently, with our two-year-old’s nightly visits forcing us into separate bedrooms. As for sex, I barely remembered what Lucy looked like with her clothes off any more. What we needed was a reboot. Which was why I was determined to make this evening special – flowers, champagne, her favourite food... But Lucy had some new ideas of her own. “Jack*,” she said, turning to me. “Yes…” I replied, expectantly, thinking her next words would be, “Let’s go to bed and make everything alright.” “Jack… I think I’m polyamorous. I want to sleep with other people. But I want you to as well.”

Let me start at the beginning. Lucy and I have been together 10 years and married for nine of those. When you’ve been with someone that long, their capacity to shock or surprise you fades. But polyamory? Nothing prepared me for that.

She went on to describe a lifestyle that, it turns out, she had been researching for the last six months. Polyamorous wasn’t a term I was familiar with, beyond it having vague connotations of sleeping around. Sometimes called ‘ethical non-monogamy’, polyamory is seen by its proponents as a more enlightened, modern way to conduct relationships. Sure, it means sleeping with whoever you like, but here’s the catch: as long as it’s agreed beforehand with your partner. In the unconventional future Lucy mapped out for us, our relationship and family life, centred around our three children, would still be our ‘primary’ – ie, the most important part of our lives. However, we’d also be free to have ‘non-primary’ sexual relationships with others.