Does It Matter If Your Kid Is Popular?

And is that even the right goal? Experts weigh in on the differences between status and likeability and why the latter can put your child on the path to success.

-  GAIL CORNWALL

In fifth grade I was cast out of my friend group - who had, to be fair, made it clear from the get-go that I wasn't as cool as the rest of them.

I thought nothing could hurt more than that year's insults about my being too fat for this and too fat for that, but being ignored and alone during sixth grade was worse.

Things got better when my family moved to a new town, and by high school I felt comfortable as a low-status kid, but one with friends who were also too jocky for the nerds and too nerdy for the jocks. We didn't get invited to parties, but we had a blast with dumb stunts like stealing an "Open All Night” decal off a fast-food sign.

Connie Chang, a mom of three who's a writer in California, wasn't popular growing up either. She was labeled as "too Chinese, too different," she told me. Now that her kids are in elementary school, she worries that they'll experience the same thing. But can she influence their popularity? As a mom myself, I wonder if it's possible - or even a good goal.

First off, a lot of it is beyond anyone's control. There are some aspects of ourselves we can't do anything about, like the facial symmetry behind the physical attractiveness that makes people more likable. American Psychological Association chief science officer and psychologist Mitch Prinstein, author of the book Popular, says some of likability "has to do with whether a child possesses the background or characteristics that fit within a value system of that particular society.” The specters of racism and xenophobia loom large in this country, and Chang wasn't imagining things when she said her likability was affected by “stinky Chinese food in a thermos."