SEXUAL BEREAVEMENT: THE GRIEF WE DON'T TALK ABOUT

We’re getting better at acknowledging that sex in later life is important, but grieving physical intimacy when a partner dies is rarely discussed

- Natalie Healey

When Alice Radosh’s husband of over 40 years died in 2013 following a serious illness, she turned to books in an attempt to better understand the immense pain she was feeling. Unflinching memoirs about the death of a partner such as Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking or Joyce Carol Oates’ A Widow’s Story were cathartic reads but Radosh’s overpowering feeling was that something was missing. In the swirl of overwhelming emotions that accompany grief, she felt blindsided by the realisation that the sexual intimacy between her and her husband Bart was gone for good. “It was absolutely amazing to me that there were hundreds of pages about these very close, wonderful relationships but not a single word about sexuality,” she says.

“UNEXPRESSED GRIEF CAN LEAD TO HEALTH PROBLEMS SUCH AS INSOMNIA, ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION ”

Silence around sexual bereavement—the immense loss of sensual enjoyment and shared intimacy felt when a long-term partner is gone—makes those grieving for their beloved feel even more alone, believes Radosh from New York. When she tried to raise the issue with friends, the subject was swiftly changed. And if loved ones did respond, their well-meaning advice often missed the mark. “They suggested going to the hairdressers or getting a dog,” she reveals. “It really seemed to me that the message was: don’t talk about this.”