Affairs of the Heart

A nutritional guide to elicit nookie

- Ian Kirke

An affair should be, I assume, a combination of lurid lust, scintillating sex, frenzied fantasy, and riotous risk. The pulsing of the typically in and out experience, with secrecy secured by perhaps a preference for a backdoor entry, requires an energy that needs a ready supply of ─ literally and metaphorically ─ fucking fuel. So, what are the best sources of immediate power for the prolonged periods of physical passion? What ingredients will complement the comings and goings whilst simultaneously supporting the stiffness of the endeavor? What is the calorific value of a climax? There was only one place to start my investigation – with the psychology and physics of fucking.

Trawl the internet and you will find list upon list detailing why people engage in affairs. As an academic I am minded to trust source data rather than salacious sentiment, but there is, I assume, always a place for the latter, especially once you have engaged in an affair. I also prefer concise lists – if you like, a wham bam thank you ma’am synopsis. Doctor R. Scott Gornto, therapist, writer, and relationship guru, contends that there are three main reasons for engaging in an affair and, after fifteen years in the field with the sun no doubt on his back, who am I to disagree. Primarily, the fantasy of it all is compelling. As the good Doctor puts it, “The affair partner is simply a construct, a made-up image ─ someone, they imagine, who will meet their every need.”