Just beastly

"We're having pizza, but you enjoy your Whiskas, sweetie."

- JANE CLIFTON

To take it from some media reports, the new consciousness of gender fluidity has broadened to embrace the animal kingdom. Children are now flocking to identify as animals.

To take it from other reports, this is largely an alt-right hoax intended to panic kindly liberals, and the world's schools are not, in fact, putting out litter trays and nosebags to cater for their self-proclaimed cat, dog and horse students.

To take it from the children themselves, longing to be a favourite animal is a normal part of being a kid, but if some adults suddenly want to indulge this fun fantasy, then woof, woof: let's see how far we can take this.

The writer knows of one canny three-year-old who identifies as a fox, because foxes are nocturnal and he takes strenuous issue with his ordained bedtime hours.

There is a potentially serious side to this, which is why a British school is in crisis after a staffer was taped defending a little girl's right to "be" a cat. The teacher assistant told other children who didn't believe she was a cat that they were being meanly unsympathetic.