Ram raider in the paddock

Pear Orchard Paddock has been temporarily renamed Porno Paddock. 

- MICHELE HEWITSON

This is not, obviously, as idyllic a country name as Pear Orchard Paddock, with all of the cheerfully frolicking sheeply images it conjures. But it accurately describes the antics that are going on out there. I hate to sound like that professional prude the late Patricia Bartlett, but, really, one must avert one's eyes. The ram is in the paddock. A ram in the paddock is rude. He wears a harness, with a dye tag attached to the front of the thing. The dye rubs off on the bums of our girls, denoting that they have been tupped. We ought to be used to this by now after all, we have seen what goes on out there for six years now. But somehow, when it comes around again, it always comes as a shock. Our last season's lambs are still babies, to me. To a sheep farmer, they are hoggets and hence available for humping.

Elizabeth Jane, my pet ewe, has been had at. She is sporting a red bum. Other ewes are sporting green or blue bums. Their rear ends look like crazy clown's wigs. Elizabeth Jane had her remaining cancerous ear cut off a few weeks ago.