STRAIGHT UP ON ENGLAND

No cheating needed

MY mate said he wanted to go on safari in Africa to see some cheetahs.

I told him to save his time and money by going to watch the Australian cricket team instead.

Nobody was too surprised by the Aussies being labelled rule benders.

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record. I said: “Oh, is that still required?”

It was certainly a controversial end to the Lord’s test. England player Jonny Bairstow seemed to have no idea why he was given out. He looked stumped to me.