What to Do When Grandparents Compete With One Another

The grievances are many. They live closer. They get more in-person contact. They indulge them in ways you never would. They pass on their cultural heritage to the detriment of yours.

What's more, given divorce rates, there can be three or four sets of grandparents (and steps) these days, causing ever more competition for meaningful time with grandchildren. "Look at the big picture," says retired Western New Mexico University family therapist Mary Hotvedt. "There are 52 weeks in the year, and how many visits with grandparents must be satisfied by two usually working children?" There are ways, fortunately, for both parents and grandparents to at least minimize the competition, and even erase it. Consider:

Talk to the parents about what they need

Yes, some of this is about you, and what you expect as a grandparent. But the best way to feel less left out is to understand what's best for the parents. They may tell you specific ways you can help. They may ask to be left alone more to be a couple and a new family. They may find traveling to see you too difficult, so you may need to schedule your visits around their needs, and around school. They may tell you they want to create their own traditions for certain holidays. That may be tough to hear, says Robin Stilwell, a family therapist in Boynton Beach, Fla., "but disappointment doesn't mean a lack of love." For this to work, of course, parents need to be willing to convey their desires, and establish the rules and boundaries, together, as early as possible. Family therapist Marlene Watson at the Ackerman Institute for the Family suggests parents convey, firmly, their expectations and boundaries to each set of grandparents.

Talk to the parents about your 'share' of time

It isn't uncommon for a mother to give her own parents more time with her children. Circumstances also may just favor certain grandparents. If that is happening, the parents may be unaware of it. Set up a conversation. Respecting boundaries set up by the parents doesn't mean grandparents can't express wishes. But don't guilt-trip, blame or make invidious comparisons.

Therapist Hotvedt did this with her son and daughter-in-law, who had never celebrated Christmas with them. "Now we didn't tell them we were hurt by it," she says, "but we said, 'You know, we would like to have some holiday experience with you.'" This conversation produced a happy result. They now visit their son's family every Thanksgiving, take the children to pick out a Christmas tree and decorate it together. "Now we have that part of Christmas with them, and that satisfies us," she says.

Don't criticize the other grandparents

You may not approve of the other grandparents' ways of doing things. It can be all too easy to let slip little digs: We don't eat fried foods here the way you do at your other grandma's house. Such bad-mouthing puts children in a loyalty bind and makes them anxious, says Watson. If grandparents show active dislike for each other, older children will feel torn about inviting them all to the same occasions, she says. Even if they aren't saying anything hostile, she says, the grandchildren and the parents may sense tension in the room.

Learn about and share each other's traditions

Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can occur when you don't understand each other's customs. Maybe the other grandparents are immersed in the new family's lives as part of their culture. You, on the other hand, believe in not "intruding."

While you may feel resentful, the other grandparents may feel hurt that you don't join them more. If your grandchildren are being raised in a religion or other tradition that isn't your own, you may feel that as a loss. Get to know the other grandparents and their traditions, suggests Watson. Attend that bat mitzvah, First Communion or presentación de tres años. Invite the other grandparents to your Purim party or Juneteenth celebration, even if the grandchild isn't being raised in that tradition.

"Adopt a both/and attitude," says Watson. "For your grandchildren to be allowed to be authentically who they are, all parts of them should be accepted and celebrated."

Make the most of the time you get

Instead of focusing on what you can’t have, focus on what you can, and make it meaningful. Technology can transcend distances; FaceTime and text whenever you can. Make an emotional connection by talking to the children about what they care about: a favorite stuffed rabbit, a swim meet, a soccer game.

On Zoom you can quiz a grandchild for a spelling bee, or listen to him or her rehearse for a piano recital. And you can make scarce time together really count. Hotvedt has a friend who gathers all her grandchildren together for two weeks every year for Grandma Camp, with different outings every day. It is special, and the children look forward to it.

Put grandchildren’s needs before your own

If you’re trying be the No. 1 grandparent, that is about what you need. That isn’t going to get you anywhere. Also bear in mind, says Stilwell, that children have different relationships with each grandparent. They may have meaningful vacations with one and different experiences with someone who picks them up at school. “I don’t think that there’s a measured amount of love that children have,” she says. “And ask yourself, ‘Is it possible for your grandchildren to have too many people who love them?’ ”