See The Light

Was this how my special trip would end - and how could I find some Aurora magic in my life?

- CAROLINE KHOURY

New Year's resolutions. A waste of time and a set-up for failure. With a more positive frame of reference, they could also be a reason to reflect and give focus for the year ahead.

I wrote See the Northern Lights under the heading and a smug expression swept over my face as I drew a tick next to the words.

Not a bad achievement, considering we were only three days into January. The reality was the sight hadn't quite matched the online photos the tour company had showcased on their website. No dancing lights; their colour a murky green.

I took a sip of my red wine, the acidic berries not heating my insides as much as I had hoped. The only warmth I had felt on this solo four-day, three-night trip of a lifetime to Iceland was bathing in the Blue Lagoon on day one.

Staring at the blank page, I couldn't think what else to write. That thought made me shiver, the icy chill - that was already coating my weary limbs after three days of hiking to waterfalls and seeking glaciers - increasing in intensity.

Think think. A six-month sabbatical from the daily grind of my corporate, endless working life.

This was possibly my last chance to be free if I did go ahead with my tentative plan to try and have a child with sperm donation next year. I was thirty-nine and hadn't found my life partner. In my twenties I thought I had, until he cheated on me a month before our wedding. I had overcome the pain, but subsequent relationships had floundered because it had made it hard for me to trust again.

Forty loomed, the likelihood of settling down again getting slimmer and my biological clock ticking louder and louder - not helped by the fact that all my friends were married, had kids or were in long-term relationships.

I tapped my pen on the pad. Where did I want to go? What did I want to see?