Bottled Emotions

RACHEL*, 15, DIDN’T REALIZE JUST HOW DEVASTATING ALCOHOLISM CAN BE—UNTIL SHE SAW IT FIRSTHAND IN HER MOM.

- Sandy Fertman Ryan

I honestly never felt sorry for myself for not having my mom around when I was younger. I think it’s because my dad is so amazing. I’ve lived with him from the time I was a year old. He never sat me down to explain why I couldn’t live with my mom, but over the years I figured it out. She’s an alcoholic.

It wasn’t until I was 12, though, that I understood what “alcoholism” actually meant. Up until then, I didn’t think it was all that big of a deal—I simply didn’t have any idea how dangerous this disease really is.

I usually visited my mom about six times a year. She must have been careful to hide the disease from me; I have no memory of seeing her drink, and the time I spent with her was really nice.

MOVING IN WITH MOM

By the end of sixth grade, I noticed my friends talking a lot about their moms. I found myself feeling envious; I wanted to do things with my mom like other girls did.

I tried to put it out of my head, but I couldn’t stop wondering what it would be like to live with her and have a real relationship. So I went to my dad one day and said, “I’d really like to go stay with Mom for a while.” My dad was shocked. “Are you sure?” he asked. I was.

I knew it was a risk, but it was something I had to try for myself. My dad, always supportive, agreed—even though he tried talking to me one more time as I prepared to move to my mom’s house and switch schools for seventh grade.