Are You Making Do With Sexual Leftovers?

If you’re still making love the way you did in your teens, you’re losing out, say the experts. For sex to be truly exciting, you need to step out of your comfort zone.

- Sally Brown

If you have a list of bedroom do’s and don’ts, you’re living with ‘sexual leftovers’, says US sex therapist and clinical psychologist Dr David Schnarch, author of Intimacy and Desire. ‘You decide what sexual behaviours you don’t want to do, your partner does this too, and together you do whatever is left.’

These boundaries are usually set early in your sexual life and, over time, become deeply ingrained. Of course, there are reasons why we stick to a sexual formula – top of the list is that we feel comfortable.

‘Think back to when you first started French kissing,’ explains sex and relationship expert Lucienne Callaghan. ‘You had no idea what to do, but you were prepared to learn through trial and error. But trying new things brings anxiety – you may feel you will embarrass yourself or be rejected, and we are less willing to tolerate these feelings as we get older. One of the most appealing aspects of a long-term relationship is a feeling of being comfortable and leaving insecurity behind. But safety can also create boredom.’

And by letting your sex life grow stale, you’re missing a chance to grow, both as an individual and a couple, says sex therapist Gina Ogden. ‘A vibrant sensual relationship is vital for staying healthy and curious about life,’ she says. ‘It reminds you of who you are as people, and why you are together – it taps into the intensity of emotions that got you together in the first place.’