Hide And Seek With God

After going through a journey from atheism to spirituality, Uma Valluri feels that a belief in God might help some, while others may live a good life without it

- Uma Valluri

I lost my father even before I reached my 15th birthday. He had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer just a few months before, though he had been ill with nonspecific symptoms for a year or so. During this period, my mother had tried all kinds of prayers and pujas, including offering a chaadar (cloth sheet) at a dargah (tomb of a Muslim saint) and attending a faith-healing session. Until then, we were a normal religious family observing festivals and lighting a lamp or so on the altar. My father would often take the name of Satyanarayana Swamy. We visited Annavaram and Tirupati. We also had a japamala with some glass beads that became our succour during the exam times, especially before the results!

My father’s life from diagnosis to death was a mere three months. I remember my mother was still sitting near the tulsi plant in my aunt’s house when my father breathed his last. She obviously knew there was no hope as, all along, she had been caring for him in the hospital. She was 41 and he was 46 when this happened.

When she broke down on receiving the news, complaining to God, well-meaning relatives told her it was karma or fate. And she took to that phrase and renounced her faith in God. She said, “If God cannot save me from my fate, I don’t need to pray.” Many people go through this phase on such occasions and then get back to normalcy. But being a strong character, she stuck to this stand till the end of her life some 38 years later. She never spared any opportunity to criticise people who prayed or believed in God and to argue that God did not exist. The first few years after my father’s death, this was more so. Being an impressionable teenager, I lapped up her opinions and argued with everyone around about the non-existence of God. And so it went on for 10 years without any problem.

Tolerating God