OK, YOU'VE BEATEN DEATH BUT CAN YOU BAT NO.3?

The on-field verbals in St Lucia have turned out to be a bit more spicy than the anodyne stuff you normally get out in the middle (“I’ll bowl you a piano, see if you can play that…..”) and it may be time to enhance the TV viewing experience by relocating some of those stump microphones to the dressing rooms.

- Martin Johnson

Especially England’s, where stitching together all the conversations about who should be batting at No.3 would be cricket’s equivalent of the Watergate tapes.

“How about you Joe?” “Sorry, captain’s prerogative.” “Bluey?” “Down the order for me. With the gloves if you don’t mind.” “Moeen?” “Been there, done that, and not very well as it happens.” “Jos?” “ Sorry coach. Give me some time to think about it. A couple of years should do.” “Okay, Stokesy then. Stokesy? Stokesy?” “I think he’s just gone to the lavatory, Trev. Could be gone for some time.”

In an ideal world, Joe Root would put his hand up, but you can understand his reasoning. At least at No.4 he manages to get both of his pads on before someone shouts: “You’re in skip!” rather than the customary one, and it also gives him just enough time to have a consoling word with the first man out. “Bloody hell, Keaton. You back again already?”

England’s latest No.3, Joe Denly, was doing the job in St Lucia because the selectors decided that they wanted one more look at Keaton Jennings at the top of the order. This was a bit like – and we’ve all done it – losing your car keys and looking for them, several times over, in the same pocket.

You know there’s nothing in there but a packet of polo mints and a bit of loose change, but maybe, just maybe, your mind’s been playing tricks on you, and on the 15th search they’ll miraculously be there.