I lost a baby live on air - I need more than a certificate

I was laid out on a hospital bed, my small bump covered in jelly as the nurse passed the ultrasound wand back and forth. In the Middle East, the screens are huge like a cinema. Instead of seeing the image any hopeful mother wishes to see, I saw my baby floating in the darkness, limp and lifeless.
I clutched my friend Katie's hand and wept. It was the saddest thing I had ever witnessed.
But then I went on to lose three more one, while at a dinner party. I lost another while on the loo - and faced the excruciating dilemma of what to do with my baby's remains. Do I... flush? Do I try to lift their remains out of the water? Questions no woman should ever have to ask herself.
My most recent miscarriage happened while I was live on air. I knew what was happening to my body, but I had to continue until my radio show was over. And, in a way, I didn't want it to be, as that would mean facing the reality of another monumental loss.
A friend who I had called in between tracks urged me to go home - but what was I going home to? I knew I'd not only have to cope with my own grief and confusion, but also that of my partner, our parents and our children, who had excitedly awaited the arrival of their new brother or sister just as much as we did. It felt like I could suspend their magic for a little longer.
And that is a big part of baby loss that not many people consider, or talk about.
When I first worked on my documentary, Myleene: Miscarriage and Me, it was considered revolutionary to get my entire family involved. But to me, it made perfect sense. Yes, the miscarriage happened to me and to my body, but its impact was far-reaching.
The pain and the gravity of the loss weren't just felt by me.
It was also during the filming process that I learned that my auntie, who has always treated me like a daughter, suffered a miscarriage when she was younger. She had never opened up about it until that point.
Esta historia es de la edición October 17, 2024 de The Independent.
Comience su prueba gratuita de Magzter GOLD de 7 días para acceder a miles de historias premium seleccionadas y a más de 9,500 revistas y periódicos.
Ya eres suscriptor ? Conectar
Esta historia es de la edición October 17, 2024 de The Independent.
Comience su prueba gratuita de Magzter GOLD de 7 días para acceder a miles de historias premium seleccionadas y a más de 9,500 revistas y periódicos.
Ya eres suscriptor? Conectar

German police launch new McCann search in Portugal
Fresh searches are to be carried out in Portugal by German police investigating the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Lammy signs new economic agreement with Morocco
Sir Keir Starmer’s government has announced a major change in UK foreign policy in exchange for an economic deal with one of the continent’s fastest-growing economies.

Reynolds steels himself for crunch talks on US tariffs
Trade secretary Jonathan Reynolds is meeting US officials today as the UK faces a race against time to prevent Donald Trump bringing in new tariffs on steel.

Accused details family rift at mushroom murder trial
The Australian woman accused of murdering three relatives with a poisoned beef wellington took the stand yesterday to give evidence about her fractured relationship with her estranged husband and his family.

Funding row over Starmer's 'battle-ready' Britain plans
Sir Keir Starmer's bold defence plans have been overshadowed by a row over money as he was warned Britain may not be moving quickly enough to counter the rapidly growing threat from Russia.

Rivals scramble for strikers in unprecedented summer
A Club World Cup, Saudi money, PSR and demand for No 9s - the transfer window will be frantic

Will Farage's 'Doge' project really blitz council waste?
Having impressively seized control of 10 county councils in the recent elections, Reform UK are delivering on their promise to undertake Elon Musk/Doge-style reviews of the operations of the various local authorities under their command.

Tourists flee Etna eruption
Tourists fled from Sicily’s Mount Etna yesterday after it erupted, sending dense clouds of ash and gas miles into the sky.

Trainer jailed for crash that wrecked five police cars
A personal trainer who caused a “catastrophic collision” when he failed to stop for police while on a first date has been sentenced to 14 months’ detention.

Why the red mist is integral to Verstappen's brilliance
The hero-villain line is difficult to tread and Max Verstappen crossed it in Barcelona - but his genius depends on volatility