'DESIRE IS NOT WHAT MATTERS'
Fairlady|July/August 2024
Emily Nagoski wrote the book on women and desire - literally. And then her own sex life dried up. Here's what a prolonged sex drought (and a load of research) taught her about maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship.
LIESL ROBERTSON
'DESIRE IS NOT WHAT MATTERS'

Back in 2014, as sex educator Emily Nagoski was researching, writing and promoting her first book, Come As You Are – a soon-to-be best-selling guide to sex and desire her own sex life screeched to a halt.

‘Ironically, the process of thinking, reading and writing every day about sex made me so stressed that I had zero interest in actually having any sex,’ she writes. ‘For months, nothing.’ The book was published, she went on a book tour, travelled, did talks – and when she came home to her husband, cartoonist Rich Stevens, ‘more months! Of nothing! It went on for so long that eventually I became distanced from my partner and from my own erotic self, knocked down and carried away by the fatigue, overwhelm, health issues and existential crises that seemed to come at me in wave after wave of anti-erotic daily life.’

Perimenopause, a back injury, a crippling bout of long Covid and an autism diagnosis are just some of the things that put a dampener on their sex life.

In case you were wondering what constitutes a drought, keep right on wondering, because Emily refuses to offer specifics, as it only makes people compare themselves. She is, however, open about how it made her feel: ‘Stressed. Depressed. Anxious. Lonely. Self-critical. Like, how can I be an “expert” – and I say that with heavy, heavy air quotes – and still be struggling in this way?’

Impostor syndrome and bedroom tumbleweeds aside, the experience did actually turn out to be a helpful one: it spurred Emily into action. As a self-proclaimed ‘sex nerd’ with a doctorate in health behaviour and a master’s degree in counselling, she started sifting through the research, specifically looking at questions that eventually formed the foundation of her second book, Come Together: The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.

What does great sex look like in a long-term relationship? And how do you cope when problems arise?

Esta historia es de la edición July/August 2024 de Fairlady.

Comience su prueba gratuita de Magzter GOLD de 7 días para acceder a miles de historias premium seleccionadas y a más de 9,000 revistas y periódicos.

Esta historia es de la edición July/August 2024 de Fairlady.

Comience su prueba gratuita de Magzter GOLD de 7 días para acceder a miles de historias premium seleccionadas y a más de 9,000 revistas y periódicos.

MÁS HISTORIAS DE FAIRLADYVer todo
'DESIRE IS NOT WHAT MATTERS'
Fairlady

'DESIRE IS NOT WHAT MATTERS'

Emily Nagoski wrote the book on women and desire - literally. And then her own sex life dried up. Here's what a prolonged sex drought (and a load of research) taught her about maintaining intimacy in a long-term relationship.

time-read
9 minutos  |
July/August 2024
'We have to tell HARD STORIES'
Fairlady

'We have to tell HARD STORIES'

Theatre director and playwright Yaël Farber is spending time in South Africa after her critically acclaimed run of King Lear at the Almeida Theatre in London. We chatted to her about the importance of the pursuit of truth.

time-read
6 minutos  |
July/August 2024
THE WHY, THE WHICH & the wardrobe
Fairlady

THE WHY, THE WHICH & the wardrobe

We really got into it this month! Read on for more on the allure of a loosey-goosey jumpsuit, vintage-hunting and jingle-jangling jewellery, the best places to find quality African design and short-girl styling tips.

time-read
10+ minutos  |
July/August 2024
LIFT your GAME
Fairlady

LIFT your GAME

Thought weightlifting was just for bodybuilders and powerlifters? Not so. In fact, 'lifting heavy shit' may be the secret to longevity, hormone regulation and mood for women through perimenopause and beyond.

time-read
8 minutos  |
July/August 2024
TREATMENT PLAN ON YOUR MARKS
Fairlady

TREATMENT PLAN ON YOUR MARKS

Armed with a six-month programme from Dr Nerina Wilkinson + Associates, Jennifer Morin set about tackling her sun damage and melasma.

time-read
8 minutos  |
July/August 2024
PLAYING YOUR CARDS RIGHT
Fairlady

PLAYING YOUR CARDS RIGHT

Here's how to get the most out of loyalty cards.

time-read
5 minutos  |
July/August 2024
BIG SKY Country
Fairlady

BIG SKY Country

Namibia. Twelve friends, five vehicles, 4000 km, thirteen days. Eight punctures, one angle grinder. One martial eagle, one full moon, one ghost town. Plenty of top-quality braais, maybe not quite enough oysters... and the best time ever.

time-read
9 minutos  |
July/August 2024
IS YOUR HOME MAKING YOU SICK?
Fairlady

IS YOUR HOME MAKING YOU SICK?

Leaks, damp and poor ventilation in old or poorly built new homes are being fingered for a growing health concern: mould.

time-read
7 minutos  |
July/August 2024
HOW TO REALLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE
Fairlady

HOW TO REALLY GET TO KNOW SOMEONE

The Korean word 'nunchi' describes 'the ability to be sensitive to other people's moods and thoughts'. It's an underrated skill that we seem to have lost.

time-read
9 minutos  |
July/August 2024
How to write a memoir
Fairlady

How to write a memoir

Whether you want to share your experiences and insights with the world, leave a legacy or track pivotal experiences for yourself, writing your memoir can be a grand and worthwhile adventure. Here's some advice on how and where to begin.

time-read
7 minutos  |
July/August 2024