How To Become A Seasoned Pro

Navigating the summer Season can be a social minefield. Luckily, Rupert Uloth is on hand with 39 steps to guide us through England’s time to shine–even if the sun chooses not to.

- Rupert Uloth

CAN you tread in with those?’ demanded Ruby Wax incredulously, pointing at a pair of stiletto heels as small as 5p pieces. The owner of the super-fashionable footwear and the well-chiseled calves that arose from them swung her bouncy blonde hair our way and looked quizzical. ‘Well… er…’ I spluttered.

I had been explaining to a group of newcomers to polo at the Cowdray Gold Cup how important it was that we went out to ‘tread in’ the divots of earth thrown up by the galloping horses with one’s heel. However, as the straight-talking comedian identified, spectators at many events in the Season aren’t necessarily there for the sport.

Some observers of the magical few weeks in high summer when the great and the good gather at various events might conclude they’re a series of Champagne-drinking festivals, often in fancy dress. and now, en fin, we can drink our own bubbly and make the whole thing as English as possible.

Royal Ascot is strict about its requirements in the Royal Enclosure: top hat and tails or dresses that fall just above the knee or longer and no fascinators. Smoked salmon and rare beef are the bills of fare at picnics. We go with friends who have a berth in the hallowed number One car park—in reality, a rectangle of grass near the Windsor/ ascot junction. They’ve done a deal with their neighbors to come on different days, so there’s space for a full-blown lunch with silver and best crockery.

Once, our hosts held up the gazebo in a howling wind as we launched underneath. Only amid an English summer would a couple dressed for a royal wedding be acting as guy ropes.