THE WORST MOVIES EVER MADE

JUST LIKE IT’S HARD TO MAKE A MASTERPIECE, IT’S HARD – VERY HARD – TO MAKE A FILM SO TERRIBLE IT SCARS VIEWERS FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES. ONCE SEEN, THESE SHOCKERS WILL NEVER BEEN UNSEEN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

- JANE CROWTHER, JORDAN FARLEY, JAMIE GRAHAM, MATTHEW LEYLAND

20 WILD WILD WEST 1999

After Men In Black’s out-of-this-world success, many will have wished they could neutralize the memory of its spiritual successor Wild Wild West, not least Will Smith and returning director Barry Sonnenfeld. Loosely adapted from the ’60s series of the same name and given a blockbuster-friendly steampunk update, Smith stars as Jim West, desperado, the rough rider (no you don’t want nada), who teams up with US Marshal Artemus Gordon (Kevin Kline) to investigate confederate madman Arliss Loveless (a pantomime Kenneth Branagh) and his magnificent mechanical contraptions.

The most expensive film ever made at the time of release, Wild Wild West had spectacle to spare, but all the giant steam-powered spiders in the West couldn’t compensate for a paper-thin plot and a near-total absence of laughs in this so-called action ‘comedy’. A cross-dressing running gag might generously be labeled ‘of its time’, and Salma Hayek plays a walking corset, but the film’s critical failing is its central double act. Leaning heavily on Smith’s star-wattage, Kline is left with scraps, seemingly cast in dual roles (he also plays President Ulysses S. Grant) to compensate.

REDEEMING FACTOR Smith’s eponymous theme song, featuring thong aficionado Sisqó, remains a banger.

BUDGET $170m

BOX OFFICE $222m

QUOTE “Back in the ’80s and ’90s, you put out a trailer with a lot of explosions and it was Wednesday before people knew your movie was shit.” Will Smith

19 THE WICKER MAN 2006