8 Sexy Situations, Sorted

With 15 years experience as a relationship consultant, Ali Murray is one clued-up woman. Take notes as she talks us through all sorts of hot topics.

- Lesley Mathys 

Q “I like someone I’ve just met, but how do I tell if it’s the real deal or just infatuation?”

The major question in any new relationship is whether you’re in lust or the early stages of love. Until you’ve worked that out, don’t make any serious decisions like moving in together.

Lust, when sex is the primary drive, is not to be underestimated. MRI scans of people in lust show brain stimulation in the same area that lights up when drug users get their fix, meaning that you’re literally addicted to the chemicals that your body releases when you’re turned on and getting what you want. This can be a wonderful thing in itself, as long as you know that raging sex hormones can cloud your vision, making you idealise your partner. You may also keep parts of yourself hidden, for fear of seeming needy or unattractive.

By contrast, when you’re in love, you want more than sex, even if sex is still an incredible part of the relationship. That means sharing quality time, wanting to be the best person you can be, and also revealing your vulnerable sides and recognising your partner’s shortcomings.

How to tell the difference between the two? One way is to ask yourself where your focus is. When you’re in lust, the other person’s appearance is paramount; you’d rather have sex than hang out, and whatever your feelings, you won’t discuss them – or at least, not with ease.

Finally, what do you want to do after sex? If it’s lust, things may feel a bit awkward, and there won’t be much cuddling or intimacy. If it’s love, breakfast and getting even closer are on the cards.

Q “I’d love to treat my partner to a sensual massage. Any tips for setting the scene?”