Are All Those Who Wander Lost?

This Exclusive Extract From Author Esther Perel’s Latest Book The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Uncovers The Real Reason Why Partners Stray – And How To Keep The Spark Alive

- Esther Perel

Infidelity happens in good marriages, in bad marriages, and even when adultery is punishable by death. It happens in open marriages where extramarital sex is carefully negotiated beforehand. At this very moment, in all corners of the world, someone is either cheating or being cheated on, thinking about having an affair, offering advice to someone who is in the throes of one, or completing the triangle as a secret lover.

‘Why do people stray?’ is a question I have been asking continuously for the past few years. Plenty of relationships culminate in an affair to compensate for a lack, to fill a void, or to set up an exit. Insecure attachment, conflict avoidance, prolonged sexlessness, loneliness, or just years of being stuck rehashing the same old arguments – many adulterers are motivated by marital dysfunction. However, therapists are confronted on a daily basis with situations that defy these well-documented reasons. Many of these individuals have been faithful for years, sometimes decades. They seem to be well-balanced, mature, caring individuals who are deeply invested in their relationships. Yet one day, they cross a line they never imagined they would cross, risking everything they had built.

Every time I think I have heard them all, a new variation emerges. But there is one theme that comes up repeatedly: affairs as a form of self-discovery, a quest for a new (or a lost) identity. For these seekers, infidelity is less likely to be a symptom of a problem, and more often described as an expansive experience that involves growth, exploration and transformation. ‘Expansive?!’ I can hear some people exclaiming. ‘Self-discovery my ass! Cheating is cheating, whatever fancy new-age labels you want to put on it! It’s cruel, it’s selfish, it’s dishonest, and it’s abusive.’ Indeed, to the one who was betrayed, it can be all of these things. But what did it mean to the other?