I felt the urge TO HURT MY BABY

Ivana Poku didn’t understand what was wrong when she didn’t feel that maternal rush of love

- IVANA POKU

I will never forget the day my twin boys were born in 2016, when I was 32. I couldn’t wait to meet them and experience the exceptional rush of love that everyone was talking about. However, the first time I saw them, I didn’t feel anything special. I knew they were mine, I was glad that they were healthy. But there were no fireworks, no rush of love, no shift in priorities…no instant maternal love.

‘What is wrong with me?’ I asked myself. ‘What kind of mother am I?’ I felt like a complete failure – and every day something happened that only added to this feeling.

Before the babies arrived, everyone was asking if I wanted to breastfeed, but no one had told me it was a skill that needed to be learnt rather than something that happens naturally.

The boys didn’t want to latch on and I spent days and nights in tears trying to breastfeed. After about a week, my husband couldn’t watch me trying to do it anymore and begged me to stop and introduce formula milk. Deep inside me, there was nothing I wanted more than to use formula, but a part of me believed that as a ‘good mum’, I simply had to breastfeed. So I kept torturing myself.

At this point, I didn’t feel like a mother at all. I regretted the decision to have children and longed to turn back time. Also, at home in Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire, I felt incredibly alone.

I thought that everyone around me was having a great time with their babies. I was extremely ashamed about my feelings and put all the effort into hiding them.

Screaming inside