My Mother Used To Call Me Miss Perpetual Motion

Dame Joan Collins – never shy of voicing her opinions on life – has a new film tailor-made for her. Sandie Jones gets the low-down.

Waiting for the Dame is how I imagine waiting for the Queen must feel. I sit down, stand up, and am still working out whether I should curtsey, bow or offer a hand, when the double doors open and there she is, Joan Collins, ridiculously glamorous at the age of 83. Her bright red lipstick almost enters the room before she does, set off perfectly by her jet-black black hair, black jumper and black trousers.

I check for a tiara, as she sashays towards me, but alas there isn’t one. My hand hovers awkwardly, as I ask her how she is.

‘Do you really want to know?’ she says, our hands meeting. ‘I’ve got builders working to the left, right, below and above my flat, my ceiling’s collapsed and I’ve had to put all my possessions in storage and move out for five months. It’s hell.’

Part of me wants to run out and wait five minutes before coming back in and starting again, but suddenly she smiles and says sweetly, ‘But we’re not here to talk about that, are we?’ Phew!

What we’re here to talk about is Joan’s new film, Time Of Their Lives, which is rather akin to Thelma & Louise on HRT, or at least glucosamine supplements.

So, tell us Joan, what’s it all about?

‘It’s a road movie, a buddy movie, about two women of a certain age who have come to the end of their tether. They feel their lives are over. I play Helen, who was once a famous actress but screwed her life up big time. She tried to get back on track but was rejected, and is now seeing her time out in a retirement home. My partner in crime,

Priscilla [played by Pauline Collins] has been in an abusive relationship for years but is too weak to do anything about it. Unknown to each other, they are thrown together by a set of circumstances and embark on an adventure together.