A PARENTS' GUIDE TO CAMPUS TOURS

Welcome, parents! We are delighted that you have chosen to tour our campus with your offspring today.

- ALYSSA BRANDT

Thank you (in case no one has said this yet) for listening to late-catalogue Taylor Swift all the way here instead of early-catalogue Taylor Dayne, like you wanted. Thank you, too, for driving past the Starbucks on the highway and spending forty minutes looking for a local coffee shop, and waiting patiently for an oat-milk chai latte to be prepared and served in a ceramic cup, then consumed while seated on a too small stool at a too small table under the leaves of a looming potted bird-of-paradise. To insure that your prospective student continues to have an optimal experience today, we’ve got a few rules for you, you awesome parents! Violation of any of these rules could negatively affect your child’s chances of attending college here, because they’ll forever dwell in a hole of embarrassment in the middle of the Earth. So, yeah, don’t do these things: