NICOLE KIDMAN COMES TO MORE PLACES

The Oscar-winning actor and pandemic-era AMC spokesperson is pressed into further service.

- BRUCE HANDY

"WE COME TO THIS PLACE for magic. (Walks through front door, smiles with knowing anticipation) And for envelopes. For the magic of envelopes. We come to Staples to laugh, to cry, to care. Because we have an abiding passion for office supplies. All of us. (Conspiratorial nod) That indescribable feeling we get when we walk down the "Filing" aisle and run our fingers along a twenty-four-pack of three-tab manila folders, and we go somewhere we've never been before. (Look of blissful transport) Not just happily accepting the fact that, without a real office to go to anymore, we now have to pay for things like pens, but somehow fuelled with an irresistible desire to own ten of every width of Sharpie. (Gazes gobsmacked at various displays) Post-its plentiful enough to cover a medium-sized city. Pencil sharpeners, pencil holders... pencils. Somehow, O.C.D. feels good in a place like this. Our Pendaflex accordion folders feel like the best part of us, and ninety-nine dollar printers feel perfect and powerful and not doomed to break in six months because here (looks directly at camera)... they are." (Hypnotizes viewers into downloading the Staples Rewards app)