Deal or No Deal, we will Survivor

Even right-wing commentators turned against the Great Negotiator’ as the coalition talks dragged on.

- Michele Hewitson

Remember this? A thousand years ago, there was a telly game show called Deal or No R Deal. For some inexplicable reason, this was so popular it was franchised in countries around the world. It might have been the most boring game show in the history of game shows - other than the game show that has been the coalition negotiations.

In Deal or No Deal, if a contestant opted for a deal, one of the "briefcase beauties" - all dressed identically in sexy, spangled, cleavage-enhancing frocks would open her briefcase to reveal whether you had won a measly dollar, or, rarely, a million bucks. In the US, the show catapulted "briefcase beauty" Meghan Markle, now known, usually with derision, as the Duchess of Sussex, to the lower rungs of B-list fame.

If we ever again have to endure another coalition negotiation like this one, could we at least stage episodes of Deal or No Deal? And the briefcase is opened to reveal ... ministerial positions! If you are a lucky MP, your briefcase contains deputy prime minister.

If your luck sucks, it contains minister for potholes. At least the addition of briefcase beauties would make the photo ops for coalition talks more exciting.

The official "look at us, merrily negotiating away like mad" photo of Christopher Luxon, David Seymour and Winston Peters was released last week. There were no spangled frocks, just boring suits and awful ties. If we had briefcase beauties, at least we could all go "Phwoar! Nice knockers!" Not that we would, of course. We are all feminists now. Except, quite possibly, those three geezers in boring suits and awful ties. You cannot imagine any of them proclaiming that they were proudly feminist.

As an image of the future of the country for at least the next three years though anything can happen when Peters is added to the boil-up pot - it was hardly inspiring.