'Why aren't you listening to me?!"

To really understand each other, our brains need to be in sync, says author Charles Duhigg. And, yes, there are ways to get on to the same wavelength.

- PAUL LITTLE

There are more ways for humans to communicate with each other than ever. Sure, we no longer rely on carving runes into rocks to get our messages across, and the pigeon post is but a shadow of its former self. But in the past 50 or so years, their places have been taken by the likes of email, text messages and incredibly annoying Whats App groups. Yet, despite all these new resources, many of our conversational arrows still fail to reach their targets.

Some of the reasons for this – and several helpful solutions – are outlined in a new book by New York Times and New Yorker writer Charles Duhigg, Pulitzer Prize-winning author of The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better. His latest, Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection, had its origins in a domestic scene that will be familiar to many.

“I got into this bad pattern with my wife,” says Duhigg. “I would come home after a long day at work and start complaining about my day. And Liz, my wife, would give me a good suggestion, like, ‘Why don’t you take your boss out to lunch and you guys can get to know each other more?’

“And instead of being able to hear what she was saying, I would get even more upset. I’d say, ‘Why aren’t you listening to me?’ or ‘Why aren’t you taking my side and being outraged on my behalf?’ Then she would get upset because I was attacking her for giving me good advice.

“I went to researchers and I asked them, ‘What’s going on here? This is my wife –someone whom I want to connect with."