Your struggle reminds me of Sarajevo, where I first experienced war as a journalist in 1993. The Bosnian Serb army had besieged the beautiful Bosnian capital, and ordinary citizens-many just teenagers— learned to use the tools of war to defend their families and homes.
The situation was both noble and tragic, inspiring and sad. It made me want to be Sarajevan. It made me want a great cause in my life that would require me to put others before myself. You seem to make yourself immortal when you do that; you seem to make yourself impervious to pain and fear and doubt. The reality is much more complicated, of course. But over and over throughout history, ordinary people defending their homes and families have found themselves capable of feats they never could have imagined.
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