Reeves smiles through the storm (or was it a grimace?)

Rachel Reeves glided through the morning media circus wearing a Stepford Wives smile that said, “Honestly, everything’s just peachy” when we all knew that, actually, it was anything but.

- JOE MURPHY

So relentlessly upbeat was she, so blissfully radiant with good cheer, that even radio listeners could tell she was still beaming as a vast bucket of brown stuff was poured onto an electric fan perched close to her face.

Austerity? Free frocks and specs? Snatching winter fuel from shivering pensioners? Dismal polls and facing a conference defeat on the latter? Loud and dramatic protest? All grinned and borne. Yes, she tinkled, it might seem “a little bit odd” that politicians got freebies but, you know, some of her best friends are multimillionaires and one “good personal friend” popped her a cheque for £7,500 “to buy clothes for big events”. What else are friends for? As for the suit she had on, she had bought it from Hobbs with her own money. So, nothing to see here.

As for austerity, Reeves assured Today listeners not to worry as “there won’t be a return to austerity, there will be real terms increases to government spending”. That wasn’t very reassuring at all, since even George Osborne couldn’t help increases in total spending.

Pressed about departmental budgets, which are what really matter to terrified new-hope Labour MPs and the grumpy trade unions gathered in Liverpool, Reeves was less forthcoming, saying she was waiting for the numbers.