Zone DEFENSE

When someone you love is working your last nerve, here’s how to find your happy place.

- Martha Beck

“I LOVE MY FAMILY,” says Kelly, who lives with her teenager and aging mother. “But they drive me nuts. My daughter’s always on Snapchat. Ugh, and Mom’s constantly moaning that she could have had a career if she hadn’t sacrificed her best years to raise me. Usually I just take some deep breaths and keep smiling—but then Paige forgets to make her bed or Mom blasts her TV...and I find myself smashing dishes. So maybe I’m not very good at letting things go. But what am I supposed to do, bring up every little grievance?”

Kelly has a problem—but it’s not with her family. Here’s her real trouble: She’s made the very false assumption that when someone bothers you, the only way to feel better would be to get them to change. The unalterable truth is that we can’t control anyone else. Sure, we can act like traffic cops, issuing citations for every infraction, but that just drains our energy and breeds resentment.