Diesel: the fightback

With pundits falling over themselves to pronounce the death of diesel, Porsche proves that the rumours have been greatly exaggerated.

- Rory Reid 

“They’ve only gone and ruined it.” That’s the first thought that crosses my mind as I approach the fleet of 2017MY Panameras lined up in front of me. There’s disappointment at first, then a growing anger. I’m scowling, confused, cursing under my breath, wondering what on Earth has possessed Porsche’s design team to wreak such havoc with the car’s exterior.

When it launched, the original Panamera was criticised for being ugly, but that’s why I loved it. In a world where so many cars are designed to be as aesthetically appealing as budgets and practicality will allow, it stood alone – a proud beacon of hideousness whose ungainly look was part of its charm. At least in my eyes.

But here, in front of me, stands something that is... well, it’s pretty. And it’s making my blood boil. Porsche has taken what was once a giant middle finger on wheels and made it... nice.

The problem, for me, is that this new model appears to have lost all of the charm that made it so special. The slightly awkward front end is now muscular and well-sculpted, with LED headlights.

It’s not particularly pretty in profile. I’ll concede that it still looks like the world’s foremost experts in cutting and shutting have welded together two cars that are only vaguely similar, and that’s great – it’s a talking point. But then I see the back end, and that ruins it all.

Gone is the lardy hunchback I once loved, swapped for what can only be described as a pert, attractive, 911-like rump. It’s even got haunches now, like a proper sports car. It’s all so inoffensive. The new Panamera is Gérard Depardieu with a nose job, or Katie Price without her massive, oversize chest appendages. It’s fine, but where’s the fun in fine?