Duncan Bell Is On The Loo

I’ve seen the future… and it has an app and blows water and hot air up your arse.

It’s a terrible world we live in, isn’t it readers? War, terror, corruption, a President made of sweaty, orange putty. These are GRIM TIMES.

But do you know what keeps me happy amidst all the travails? Toilets. As a British person, I find khazis almost endlessly hilarious. I expect you do too! 

For reasons I’ll come to shortly, I recently was speaking to some leading members of the interior design press. They actually get to go to press conferences for sinks and baths and taps and toilets. At a recent one, a new loo was announced, with great fanfare. 

All the European journalists sat solemnly nodding and scribbling notes saying things like “dual flush – v good” and “heated seat”.

Meanwhile, in the British part of the room, they were all prodding each other, chortling like excited goats, making fart noises and shouting “Bum!” when the CEO wasn’t looking. That’s what tech is for, really. I’ve given up on it bringing about some kind of connected, hippy utopia. But it can still bring gaiety and a daily dose of pep.

This month I saw, for British people, what must be the ultimate jollity-enducing gadget: a ‘smart toilet’.

It was just part of the future of home plumbing, and let me tell ya: that future is safe, filtered, carbonated and clean.