Guests from hell

When Tanya Gold moved to Cornwall, she invited lots of friends to stay – she won’t be asking them back for Christmas

- Tanya Gold

I didn’t know, when I moved to Newlyn, Cornwall, that there is an art to having house guests. My godmother says they go off like fish in two days and are to be avoided.

But my husband and I were thrilled with our five bedrooms – we left a small Camden flat. So, with a mixture of grandiosity and insecurity, we invited everyone we knew. Winters are wet and long here; no one comes. Let the world come to us in summer – and they did.

This Christmas, they won’t be coming, even though we’re in Tier 1.

The problem is no two households are the same. We all have our peculiar rhythms, systems and habits. It’s hard to present guests with a list of laminated rules that must not be broken. I know someone who does this, and he’s a pleased host. So here is my list of rules for the perfect guests.

I’m not tidy but I dislike squalor

I can’t believe some people put used nappies in the kitchen bin or leave them on the floor of the bathroom; or leave puppy pads in the wastepaper basket in the study. I can’t believe they over-fill the bin, so that I’ll have the joy of wrestling with it later; or that they leave recycling by the kitchen door, so I can pick it up.

Be helpful to the host