My True Love Says To Me

Jan describes The 12 Affrays of Christmas

- Jan Etherington

ON the First day of Christmas my true love says to me, “Don’t you like it?” I tell him it’s perfect – for someone 30 years younger, shaped like Cara Delevingne. It won’t be easy sleeping in ruched taffeta, especially with the laced bodice. I sneak a look in his wallet but I can’t find the receipt. The gravy boat falls over in the oven, soaking the mince pies. I give them a rinse. Roast turkey for lunch.

On the Second Day of Christmas my true love says to me, “What’s that smell?” I explain that the dog is suffering from eating all the sprouts I dropped when I tripped over the dumb bells my true love left on the kitchen floor! Cold turkey, and bubble and squeak for lunch.

On the Third Day of Christmas my true love says, “Why did you buy such a big turkey?” I explain that I didn’t know my granddaughter was going to announce, “Do you know what they do to turkeys in factory farms?” and declare she was vegetarian, just as he was carving the bird, and my grandson has decided to live on roast potatoes. Escalope de (free range) turkey for lunch. Except for grandchildren.