Don't Mind Me

Do you feel like you come second in most relationships? Neeti Jaychander helps you ID and fix the problem of being taken for granted

For a large part of the 23 years she was with Tim Robbins and raised two children with him, actor Susan Sarandon was asked why they didn’t just get married. She famously replied: “I’m afraid of taking him for granted, or him taking me for granted.” Sadly, Sarandon split with Robbins eventually anyway, proving that it is perhaps familiarity and not marriage that breeds contempt. But her fear was a valid one. Long-term partnerships can sometimes foster complacency and it’s not uncommon for one partner to feel less valued over time. This is so common, in fact, that mental health professionals have identified a few hallmarks of such relationships. See if any of this sounds familiar to you.

YOUR OPINION DOESN’T COUNT

Sudarshana Chari*, 34, runs a chartered accountancy firm in Chennai with her husband. “We were batchmates who fell in love, got married, and decided to set up our own company. Initially, we used to run it as a team. But when I came back from a year-long sabbatical after the birth of my child, I found that he’d stopped treating me as an equal, and started making decisions on his own. He just expected me to fall in line.” Often, in such a situation, one partner single-handedly takes all the big decisions that affect both of them.

VALUE YOURSELF

“There’s no other way around this: just push back and assert your own opinion,” says Manjula MK, a Chennai-based psychologist. Let your partner know that all decisions that impact both of you need to be taken keeping common consensus in mind.

NO CONSIDERATION FOR YOUR TIME