Being a mother of a very young child is to become completely exposed because there is nowhere else for you (or them) to go. A child’s all-seeingness removes any room for vanity, decorum or modesty.
Yet putting the brutal intimacy of bodily fluids aside, in those early days it was easy to deceive you.
Now, you are older. We rarely share a bathroom stall. But you see more, and you hear everything. Your eyes narrow and lips purse, and I wonder at what age you’ll realise the extent of my deception. Or if you already have?
I have lied to others. Lovers, friends, strangers. But the lies have changed. I used to protect my truth of how hungry I was. Now I protect my truth of how much I still desire to be hungry.
And how I equate it all with being beautiful.
I often wonder if it’s just me. If every other mother around me is as confident and accepting as they project they are. As I’ve been told I should be. As I pretend I am to you. Sometimes the truth seeps out and I glimpse someone who is living the same lie as I am.
Gastro is going around: “Oh, give it to me, I could lose a few kilos.”
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