Dear Samantha

Our resident psychiatrist lays out the power (and pitfalls) of comparing ourselves to others and sparks ways to turn small talk into meaningful conversation

Q: Is it ever helpful to compare yourself to others?

President Franklin Roosevelt called comparison the “thief of joy,” but research from Tilburg University in the Netherlands suggests that in some contexts “benign envy,” as psychologists call it, can be a positive force. Another’s success can clarify your own goals, inspire you to act, remind you of what you are capable of accomplishing, or motivate you. For example, a runner may want to emulate the performance of a fellow runner who beats her by a tenth of a second. Comparisons can make us more grateful for what we have and put disappointments and hardships in perspective.

That said, there are downsides to social comparison, especially “upward comparison” to people who seem to have it all. Someone else’s promotion or recent engagement can trigger feelings of low self-esteem, particularly if your self-esteem is low to begin with or if you perceive his or her accomplishments to be out of your league. It’s why singling out an exceptional student has been shown to discourage other students from working hard. If the achievement feels unattainable, other students think, I could never be that awesome, so why bother?