Peter Berner

The veteran Aussie comedian fulminates on “Chopsticks”, mesh singlets and the neighbour’s bloody dog.

- Michael Adams

I’m happiest … when the neighbour’s dog stops barking. I can’t understand people who go out and let the dog bark for hours and hours and hours. Why have a dog? What’s the point? I’d like to get every arsehole neighbour on the planet together and put them on one street.

My darkest moods are caused by… I don’t know what caused it but it’s about 42 years old now.

What keeps me awake at night is… what I have to do to ‘trend’ on social media because I’m never going to trend and that bothers me. Drug muling seems to be trending. I’m not going to do that. Do people trend for being adequate? I have to get #adequacy trending.

My spirit animal is… vodka.

What makes me laugh loudest is… Morecombe and Wise. I grew up on that stuff and it kills me. I love it.

The most underrated experience must be… having every device that you owned fully charged.

The best time of day is… before anyone else wakes up, which in my household is about 5.30am.