Anger Management

If your spouse is like a bear with a sore head, it could be the sign of a medical condition. Bestselling author Kristen Mae shares her story.

- Kristen Mae, Scary Mommy

I had the letter printed out and ready to go. I wasn’t mad anymore – once you’ve made the decision, peace follows.

I’d written the letter after a nuclear argument about the door to the garage being left open. My husband has a thing about doors being left open in the same way I have a thing about dirty socks on the floor. Fine.

But it was a cool April day, not one that would have cost money in electric bills from airconditioning dribbling out the door. His mother had probably (accidentally) left it open a crack after taking out the rubbish. He was yelling at both her and me, furious and stomping, nostrils flaring as he slammed cabinets. “Don’t argue with me!” he yelled as if we were children. “Just keep the damn door closed!”

I accused him of being insane. That argument was the culmination of many similar arguments – after which I would have to “wait for him to cool down” so we could talk rationally. Every time, after cooling down, he would admit he had overreacted.

“You have an anger problem,” I kept telling him. “This isn’t normal.” “I don’t have an anger problem,” he’d say. “I’m happy. I’m not angry.”

Back and forth, round and round, for months, years. It worried me to leave him alone with the kids. I could read when he was getting too hot, and knew when to let it go, when the best thing to do was wait for him to cool down. The kids didn’t. What if he snapped? He hadn’t yet, but I dreaded that someday he might.

How had I managed to marry such an angry, volatile person? How had I chosen this man to be the father of my children? I felt stupid for not seeing these traits before marrying him, for allowing that kind of rage into my life, into my children’s lives.