Sibling vs Sibling

Although arguments and fights between siblings seem to be a natural part of growing up, is such competition and antagonism healthy? A counselling psychologist shares how we can deal with such situations among our children and what happens if sibling rivalry carries into adulthood.

- Hannah May-lee Wong

The relationship between siblings can be complex. If all goes well, a sibling can be a dependable anchor of family support through the course of your life. They will be there to celebrate with you during special occasions, mourn with you through life’s sorrows and reminisce with you about the good old times growing up – they’re your best and greatest ally. Sadly, that’s not always the case in many families. In contrast, a rivalrous and bitter sibling relationship can feel like an unrelenting thorn in the flesh – a painful reminder of the hurts and trauma of childhood.

Rivalrous relationships between siblings do exist. It can get quite intense and aggressive, and resolving such conflict requires the cooperation of both parties. It is a matter of choice. In some families, the issues resolve, but in many others, they don’t. Psychologist Cathie Wu tells us about the psychosocial aspects of sibling rivalry.

WHAT CAUSES SIBLING RIVALRIES?

The psychosocial explanation is that it happens when children, specifically the older child, gets ‘dethroned’ when the younger child is born. This makes the older child feel insecure. A firstborn often feels like there was once a period of security and love. When the rest of the children come along, he or she will get a sense that the love and attention is now divided. Because of that, it is not uncommon to feel insecure, and they start to compete for the attention of parents. It’s usually a competition for perceived scarce resources – they perceive their parents’ love and affection as scarce resources. But we use the term “perceived” because the love of a parent isn’t necessarily quantifiable.

Other perceived scarce resources could be privileges or material things: they might fight over a toy that they perceive as the only one or the best one.